Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Repost from

This was posted on April 29th, 2013.

I have thoughts running through my head & I don’t know how to make them stop.
Will my insecurities ever go away? Will I ever be truly happy again?

Have you ever looked back and thought of what has happened in just a year? This time last year I was getting ready to graduate high school. I remember thinking that I had no idea how I survived. I didn’t have many friends in high school. I remember having tons of friends in elementary school and they gradually left once I went to middle school, then junior high, and finally high school. Now I’m a freshman in college and I can count my friends on one hand. I don’t think anyone understands how it feels to lose everyone. People I thought were my friends were only pretending. They didn’t actually care about me, they probably just felt bad. I understand that people lose friends going into high school because everyone is finding out who they are. But once you lose everyone, it makes it seem like something is wrong with you.

I don’t think the kids at my school actually knew half the stuff that was going on in my life. I was just the girl who missed school a lot. They didn’t know that I actually had a very low immune system (I still do). They also didn’t know that my dad left in June 2010. I had just finished my sophomore year of high school. They didn’t know that at the first football game of my senior year/the first game that I performed with the colorguard was when I found out that my dad had a girlfriend whom was in London. He had yet to actually divorce my mom. They had no idea that I cried on the bus ride back to the school after the game because I found out through a text message. They had no idea that my world was falling apart and I had no idea how to fix it. They had no idea that I was struggling to keep my brother out of the divorce. They had no idea that I was in the middle. They had no idea of the problems that my brother is going through. They had no idea that I was scared one day I would come home and he wouldn’t be there. So I just slapped on a smile and pretended everything was okay. Everyone thinks that it’s so cool that my dad lives in London. If you were in my shoes, I’m pretty sure you would not think its cool at all. You never get to see your dad, you never get to talk to him, when you do it’s about money for school. And then when I finally say something about traveling with my friends he asks “What friends?” So yeah, it’s not so cool to have a dad that lives in London.
Maybe I don’t have it as bad as some people, but that doesn’t make my problems/struggles any less significant than others. I’ve struggled with issues that no one knows about. And I’m not sure I want to “air out my dirty laundry” on everyone. I don’t like burdening people, so I don’t usually voice my struggles or opinions.

Have you ever sat with a group of friends and when you start talking they only pause to be courteous? That’s my life. I feel as if what I have to say isn’t important. I’ve always been quiet and withdrawn and that’s because every friend I’ve had has pushed away my ideas or opinions. It’s a struggle for me to talk to people. In my head, I’m thinking about everything at once. What do they think of me? Do I have something on my face? Are they even listening? Do they even want to?

This post is jumping around. I’m sorry. This is just how my brain works.

I usually keep things close to my heart and don’t let anyone in, but I’m learning that my struggles could help other girls out there. That’s my life goal; for everyone to know that they are not alone. Whether you struggle not skipping a meal, cutting, or deciding whether to commit suicide. Know that you are not alone. I will always, always be here. Even if you think I hate you, which I don’t. I will be here for every single person that is struggling. I know what you are going through. It sucks, but it will get better.

I love each and everyone of you.